Yeah, I know I’m not a girl. But to be honest, I know the girlies over at GTT don’t mind me posting, so…

Pet Peeves.

We’ve all got ‘em and we all hate ‘em. So let’s go, jiggalo:

1) PEOPLE THAT DON’T LISTEN.

If you’ve said “I’m listening” or “I want to hear what you have to say” and then don’t give a shit about what I have to say, you’re the C word which I’m not going to write on here. Big time. If I came to you and you’re busy, then it’s fine if you can’t be arsed to listen. But if you specifically just refuse to pay attention to what I’m saying then I see no reason for me to know you. At all. You were born with 2 fucking ears for a reason.

2) Saying TRULY mean things behind another person’s back.

I don’t mind the odd bitch every now and again about certain people who, to some degree, deserve it. To be honest, there are very, very few people who I feel comfortable bitching about behind their back (or, would you believe, to their faces). No doubt this is the reason why I hate it when people say truly mean things about a person without them having any knowledge of it. It’s not kind, it’s not fair and ultimately it will bite you back in your ass.

3) Telling me things when I know you’re wrong.

I don’t mind it if you have a genuine need to tell me something, but when you’re talking out of your ass you’re gonna get caught out sooner or later. Don’t do it.

4) Practical jokes.

There is nothing funny about humiliating or causing [even minor] suffering in their life. Ever. It’s not funny and there’s nothing ‘joking’ about it.

5) EVERYONE MUST BE LIKE ME OTHERWISE THEY ARE BORING/STUPID/ANNOYING.

Look, I get that you might like doing what you do. Hey, you probably wouldn’t be doing it if you didn’t like it. But if you suddenly think that because YOU like it and some OTHER people like it that *I* should like it too, you’re wrong. Wronger than wrong. Don’t assume similarity.

6) Indian Scripted Telemarketers.

“Good morning Mr. Dixon, how are you today?”

“Which Mr. Dixon are you calling for?”

“Thank you. I’m calling to inform you that you are eligible to receive…”

/call disconnected.

Seriously, I don’t understand the point of telemarketing. I’m not going to ever buy into your scam or your double glazing. And when you refuse to ask for which Mr. Dixon you want, you aren’t going to get anywhere.

As a side thingy, did you know I want to change my last name to Monroe?

7) Hard-Selling Charities

The other day I was called by WaterAid. And then a few days ago, by Amnesty International.

Except during those calls I found out that the people talking to me were both from companies that specialized in cold calling.

Seriously, SUPPOSEDLY ETHICAL CHARITIES, if you think you’re going to get more money out of me by hiring people to pressure sell me over the phone, you’ve got another fucking thing coming. Go and die.

8) LOW HYGIENE STANDARDS

If you use something and don’t wash it or assume that wiping a towel across it makes it clean, you are stupid and need to take a food hygiene course.

9) Double standards.

I get it if your double standard is because you have kids and you can’t have them, you know, wearing make up ‘n’ shit. But if someone tells me I can’t X but they can when it’s the SAME DAMN THING? Bye bye outa my life, puta.

10) STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS OFF.

My dad has this totally *awesome* habit of turning all the lights off in the house when he goes to bed. And, naturally, forgets that I’m still up. This means that I have to feel my way around rooms to get to a light source — usually resulting in repeated stubbed toes, knocking things over and anything else of a disorientated manner.

11) “Wait, you’re a vegan! You can’t eat anything!”

Hi. My name is Matt. It is 2010. If you can think of it, there’s a vegan version. Now go away.

Addition:

12) Steve G. Jones

SOMEHOW this guy got my contact details. And, like, for serious: Steve G. Jones, I get that your name is Steve G. Jones and you’re a clinical hypnotherapist, but the fact that you’ve rolled ‘clinical hypnotherapist’ into soundlike your last name makes me cringe. Also, stop emailing me telling me that you’ve got hypnosis downloads that can make me win the lottery. I’m not the fool you think I am.

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To be honest, I could go on and on and on and on because there are SO MANY DAMN THINGS which make me grumpy.

However, for now, I shall leave you with the above.

If I catch you doing any of them (including Steve G. Jones Clinical Hypnotherapist), I shall take a dump on your thighs.