Tag Archive: Girl Talk Thursday

Girl Talk Thursday: Bitchin’!

Written on February 25th, 2010 and labelled Girl Talk Thursday, Lists
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This week Girl Talk Thursday is all about bitching and letting off steam. Yes, I’m a guy. Yes, I’m allowed. I saved the tweet that the creator @replied me when I asked her. Possibly.

No beating around the bush in this post:

1.Seriously, Spanish teachers, I GET that you have to teach me a subject, but the fact that I haven’t given in homework to you for the past month is because: A) I’ve had EPIC amounts of coursework to do. As in, you know, that stuff that gets sent a couple of weeks after I give it in and then adds to my OVERALL grade. B) I’m sure languages are great, but I’m getting SICK and TIRED of trying only to get things wrong, to get splotches of support I could find on the internets when we have FOUR people in the class and to receive seemingly-cursory grades without you spending time to tell me where I fucked up without making me feel like dog shit. And, as a result, STOP SENDING MY TUTOR SANCTIONS BECAUSE I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT WORK TO DO.

2. Board of governers at my school? I do not care to be on your board. I did not choose to be on your board. Your meetings are long, seemingly endless and make me want to bore my brains out with a bratz doll. I understand that you have to leave all rocks turned with your administrative duties, but ultimately I AM NOT INTERESTED IN THIS.  I do NOT want to do presentations on vertical tutoring or the college system at school. It sucks. That’s it.

3. Fuck you, work.

4. I am seriously starting to hate getting up before, you know, 10AM. I’m a real night person and honestly? I much, MUCH prefer to tap my fingers until 2:30am than I enjoy getting up at 7:30am and then rushing around to suck the fat into clothes so that I can impress people with flab-sucked-in awesomeness.

5. No, hija de puta, I have NOT burned something onto your pan that you could replace for £12. This is 2010, not 1935. Even if I DID burn something onto the pan, it’s not going to UBER STICK FOREVER or DESTROY THE PAN FOREVER AND EVER. Stop being a douche about the fact that your youngest son can cook. Or would you prefer I smoke tobacco, pot and drink gushes of alocohol whilst going to the doctor about an STI? You know, like most guys my age? Oh wait. No. You wouldn’t. So STFU or I’ll push you down the stairs again.

6. And also, puta madre, no, I’m NOT going to eat it all tonight. If you make it in a big batch it saves time and money. But you’d know that already, right?

7. Yes, back of my mind, I get that you want me to engage in some hot, passionate and steamy sex with some hot, passionate and steamy guy. When you find someone that goes for hot, passionate guy-on-guy sex, call me and I’ll actually HAVE hot, passionate and steamy sex. Otherwise, keep your crazy man-urges to the edges of my awareness or I’ll chop it off and then you’ll be sorry.

8. Yes, Last.fm, I know that there are only about 30 songs you can POSSIBLY play to me, regardless of the amount of artists I favourite. However, could you at least try and switch them up a bit? Just because I like them doesn’t mean I want to listen to the same 5 again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

9. How in ninjas has no one seen Kittens inspired by Kittens, Star Wars explained by a 3-year-old or Auto-Tune the News? That’s like saying you’ve never heard of porn.

10. I’d like to lose weight. Like, NOW. ARGH. I’m not overweight or anything, but I’m slowly noticing encroaching weight gain and it’s NOT cool. Not at ALL. And yes, I will buddy up with you to lose weight. Seriously.

The sad thing is that I’ve not yet even started properly. But I can’t stop. I have Spanish homework. For tomorrow.

Wikipedia game, anyone?

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Girl Talk Thursday: Pet Peeves

Written on January 21st, 2010 and labelled Girl Talk Thursday, Sillypants
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Yeah, I know I’m not a girl. But to be honest, I know the girlies over at GTT don’t mind me posting, so…

Pet Peeves.

We’ve all got ‘em and we all hate ‘em. So let’s go, jiggalo:

1) PEOPLE THAT DON’T LISTEN.

If you’ve said “I’m listening” or “I want to hear what you have to say” and then don’t give a shit about what I have to say, you’re the C word which I’m not going to write on here. Big time. If I came to you and you’re busy, then it’s fine if you can’t be arsed to listen. But if you specifically just refuse to pay attention to what I’m saying then I see no reason for me to know you. At all. You were born with 2 fucking ears for a reason.


2) Saying TRULY mean things behind another person’s back.

I don’t mind the odd bitch every now and again about certain people who, to some degree, deserve it. To be honest, there are very, very few people who I feel comfortable bitching about behind their back (or, would you believe, to their faces). No doubt this is the reason why I hate it when people say truly mean things about a person without them having any knowledge of it. It’s not kind, it’s not fair and ultimately it will bite you back in your ass.


3) Telling me things when I know you’re wrong.

I don’t mind it if you have a genuine need to tell me something, but when you’re talking out of your ass you’re gonna get caught out sooner or later. Don’t do it.


4) Practical jokes.

There is nothing funny about humiliating or causing [even minor] suffering in their life. Ever. It’s not funny and there’s nothing ‘joking’ about it.


5) EVERYONE MUST BE LIKE ME OTHERWISE THEY ARE BORING/STUPID/ANNOYING.

Look, I get that you might like doing what you do. Hey, you probably wouldn’t be doing it if you didn’t like it. But if you suddenly think that because YOU like it and some OTHER people like it that *I* should like it too, you’re wrong. Wronger than wrong. Don’t assume similarity.


6) Indian Scripted Telemarketers.

“Good morning Mr. Dixon, how are you today?”

“Which Mr. Dixon are you calling for?”

“Thank you. I’m calling to inform you that you are eligible to receive…”

/call disconnected.

Seriously, I don’t understand the point of telemarketing. I’m not going to ever buy into your scam or your double glazing. And when you refuse to ask for which Mr. Dixon you want, you aren’t going to get anywhere.

As a side thingy, did you know I want to change my last name to Monroe?

7) Hard-Selling Charities

The other day I was called by WaterAid. And then a few days ago, by Amnesty International.

Except during those calls I found out that the people talking to me were both from companies that specialized in cold calling.

Seriously, SUPPOSEDLY ETHICAL CHARITIES, if you think you’re going to get more money out of me by hiring people to pressure sell me over the phone, you’ve got another fucking thing coming. Go and die.


8) LOW HYGIENE STANDARDS

If you use something and don’t wash it or assume that wiping a towel across it makes it clean, you are stupid and need to take a food hygiene course.


9) Double standards.

I get it if your double standard is because you have kids and you can’t have them, you know, wearing make up ‘n’ shit. But if someone tells me I can’t X but they can when it’s the SAME DAMN THING? Bye bye outa my life, puta.


10) STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS OFF.

My dad has this totally *awesome* habit of turning all the lights off in the house when he goes to bed. And, naturally, forgets that I’m still up. This means that I have to feel my way around rooms to get to a light source — usually resulting in repeated stubbed toes, knocking things over and anything else of a disorientated manner.


11) “Wait, you’re a vegan! You can’t eat anything!”

Hi. My name is Matt. It is 2010. If you can think of it, there’s a vegan version. Now go away.

Addition:

12) Steve G. Jones

SOMEHOW this guy got my contact details. And, like, for serious: Steve G. Jones, I get that your name is Steve G. Jones and you’re a clinical hypnotherapist, but the fact that you’ve rolled ‘clinical hypnotherapist’ into soundlike your last name makes me cringe. Also, stop emailing me telling me that you’ve got hypnosis downloads that can make me win the lottery. I’m not the fool you think I am.

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To be honest, I could go on and on and on and on because there are SO MANY DAMN THINGS which make me grumpy.

However, for now, I shall leave you with the above.

If I catch you doing any of them (including Steve G. Jones Clinical Hypnotherapist), I shall take a dump on your thighs.

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GTT: It’s a bit like a wedding cake but a lot, lot worse.

Written on November 5th, 2009 and labelled Girl Talk Thursday, Goshdarn
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This week’s topic is all things Job Venting.  And I urge you to join in, because Girl Talk Thursday is AWESOME and makes you lots of friends and did I mention it’s totally awesome?  ‘cuz it is.

So, I was pondering whether I’d actually qualify to do a post this week for GTT because, well, I’m actually still in school.  I’m at the end of my school life, however.  Next step is the big U.  Hurray! More work! Sarcasm!

However, considering the amounts of work I get from school, it seems to make sense to class it as ‘work’.  After all, I come home tired, hungry and wanting to kick things: that’s how you feel after work, right? Exactly.

So, school.

Ugh. My first instinct just then was to actually put “don’t even get me STARTED”.  But that’s kinda redundant.

Really?  It’s hard to know where to start.  My school is supposed to be a ‘good’ school, but that just means that we have a group of managers (the ‘leadership team‘) that don’t really get involved in anything but enjoy finding ways to make the school more ridiculously superfluous while also improving their salaries.  And by being in a ‘good’ school, it also means that the students get lots of pressure and work to make sure we keep the school’s reputation up.  It’s a stroll, I assure you.  A STROLL.

Suffice it to say, going to my school is quite the stress-filled fun.  And me?  Oh, I went and made it even MORE enjoyable by applying to be a house/college president.  And my application and interview went swell, apparently.  So I’m the president of ‘Ash’ house. Yay!  MORE things to do.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I do appreciate the fact that my school has a fair amount of facilities and such to offer.  And I quite like the fact that at least inside it’s moderately clean*.

And, too, the teachers aren’t bad at what they do.  I mean, beyond the setting of horrible homework and putting lots of pressure on, they all seem to be doing okay.

But my god does it get stressful.  Especially when you’re in sixth form and have to walk hundreds upon hundreds of meters every day because your school is So. Damn. Big.

Or, even, because the school lets more and more kids in each year so you literally have to time getting to a lesson otherwise you get captured by what’s called, ‘The Crush‘.  Also known as when every corridor in the school becomes FILLED with students that it’s practically impossible to move. Anywhere.

Now, as I haven’t started the whole ‘earning for a living’, I don’t know how it works in corporate environments, but seriously, one MEGA problem with my school is communication.

Ohmyjebusthecommunication.

Case in point: a while back I was organizing some interviews to happen and I wanted to get some letters sent out when school started the next morning (I was staying after school to get stuff done: dedication, I know).  So, I dropped the letters off at reception and specifically told her I needed them sent out first thing the next morning.

Apparently these letters got to their destinations three days later.  Three. Fucking. Days.

Let me tell you this right here and now.  The moment I’m free of that school is the happiest day of my life.

Okay. Rant over. Go join in the fun yourself.

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*The outside of the school?  In the previous buildings, rat colonies had started to form.  In this new school (built a couple of years ago), literally hundreds of seagulls descend on the yards and pick at the ridiculous amounts of food on the floor after lunch ends.  It’s quite frightening watching so many birds all swoop down at the same time.

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GTT: The Perfect Lunch Date.

Written on October 29th, 2009 and labelled Girl Talk Thursday
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I was totally going to write three but got lazy and also realised that the first one I wrote was the nicest one of all.  Well, and I don’t think I can make up what it would be like to go to the Ty Warner Penthouse and have lunch with someone without, you know, actually staying there and having lunch.

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The Hidden Café in Italy

You know how in Italy they have those little cafés hidden down tiny little streets?  We’re totally going to one of them.  First and foremost, I’d order a nice little hot chocolate.  And what makes it uber great is that European hot chocolates are really thick and gooey.  You’d probably have an espresso or a hot chocolate like me.  And we’d both get a bottle of mineral water, too.

To eat, I’d get a spring salad with a beautiful olive oil and sundried tomato dressing.  It would be filled with leafy greens and tomatoes of every variety.  You’d get a creamy pasta dish with tiny little flecks of bacon on the side with some red salmon as a main that’s just lightly drizzled with olive oil.  You wouldn’t combine the pasta and the fish;  every now and then you’d flick between eating one and then the other.

We’d dine in this tiny café for about two hours, just talking and eating and slurping our warm drinks.  It’d probably be in early summer and the temperature outside would be quite cool, but really sunny.  One of those misleadingly bright days.

Even though there’d only be a few other patrons, the whole place would seem really loud and busy and frenetic.  The women at the counter and in the kitchen would all be talking to each other in Italian whilst people from outside who they know would be dropping in and out, them shouting phrases to each other in the general loving way Italians in movies seem to do.

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Call me simple or plain or whatever you want, but I think that this little lunch date is actually quite nice.  So there.  Join in the fun!

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