I feel naked.  Vunerable.  My head is dizzy with fear and confusion.

This wasn’t how it was meant to happen.  These weren’t my plans.  This shouldn’t be happening.  They shouldn’t know.

My blog is my lifeline.  It has only been in existence for a few months but it’s already grown to the point where, without it, I know I would feel silenced.   Yet the people who were never supposed to read my blog have found it.  This journal isn’t for them.  This place of deep personal meaning is not for them.  It’s for anyone in the entire world but them.  People who don’t know me are successful applicants to share my feelings and thoughts to.  These are people who I allow to see into my world.

I’ve been stupid thinking they would never find it.  Careless.  Premature.

I feel out of control.  I must be in control.  I’ll do everything I can to get it back.  I’ll block IP addresses every day if I need to.  I have to be in control of this lifeline.  I want people to read it.  Anyone can.  Anyone but them.

I’m not an emotionally intimate person.  Not with others.  Not with anyone.  Even therapists find themselves in front of barriers when we talk.   I don’t let my guard down.  My writing is the only thing where my emotions can move freely.  Fully.  To have this part of me suddenly destroyed is offensive.  It’s infuriating.  It makes my blood run cold.

No.  This isn’t how it is going to be.  Not now.  Not ever.

I’m making this right.  Now.