Can I tell you something really weird? I’ve suddenly become extremely euphoric. I think it’s the combination of little food, bleary headache pain (from oversleep) and kind people. Whatever it is, yo peeps, I’m lovin’ it.
Also, like fook did I know how to spell ‘myxomatosis’ without spellcheck. Also, heed the final warning, or else.
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Being a part of the Fellowship of The Twitter means that I get to see lots of awesome stuff.
And lots of UNawesome shit stuff.
And because the mood of this blog needs cheering up so, so badly, I thought I would provide a little bit of joy in the spirit of Santa.
Enjoy!
Twitter told me so…
Twitter is not an instant messenger.
Yeah. I’ve done it too. It’s damn too easy to suddenly become sucked into conversation where every single tweet becomes an @reply. But you know what? It’s totally not on, dudes. I love being able to eavesdrop on your conversation, but I really don’t love having my twitter stream filled with, “Yeah, lol” and other splurges.
Sure, feel free to have a quick natter. But if you have more than 360 characters to say? Take it onto Email. Or MSN. Or Skype. Or Google Chat. Or whatever. Because honestly, if I can’t see the avatar pictures of hot husbands? I will lose my shit.
Twitter doesn’t like it when you use NO FUCKING PUNCTUATION OHMYGOD.
Look. I know, I know that you might cream over quickly writing down something you’ve just said onto twitter. But without punctuation, your tweet just looks like you took a big fat dump onto the internet. And what happens to dumps? They get eaten by rabbits. Ergo, if you don’t use punctuation, I’ll infect you with myxomatosis.
But seriously? With only 140 characters, it’s hard enough to actually put something vaguely interesting or funny into cyberspace. Nevermind punctuation. So the moment you strip those all-essential commas and full stops out, I stop gettin’ yo’ point, homie. Please don’t do it. See the above paragraph for consequences if you do.
Twitter doesn’t believe in your change of person.
I love that you’re letting me see into your life a tiny bit. Really, I do. But if your tweet goes something like:
<username> has myxomatosis because I used no punctuation yet he decided to do it anyway
I WILL come over to your house, find your ovaries, and punch them with my head. Again and again and again. Until your babies look like rabbits. And there’s a VERY good reason why I’ll do this. You don’t — DON’T — change the person of your verb midway through a sentence. It makes MY ovaries want to shrivel up and drop out. And by ovaries, I mean my little-Matt-snake-makers. And by shrivel up and drop out, I mean block you because your English sucks so badly.
Don’t get me wrong. If English isn’t your first language, you’re completely excused. But if you’ve been a native speaker for, oh, over 10 years? Prepare to pump-out rabbit babies. And if you don’t know what the person of a verb is? Sucks to be you.
Oh, also? Twitter doesn’t like it when you block me ‘cuz I’m a grammar-nazi. So you better not do it. Or else. (Where else = myxomatosis).
