Category Archives: Sillypants

Several things this morning has proven.

Written on February 18th, 2010 and labelled Sillypants, University Stuff, What a crap day.
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  • Getting up before 9.45AM makes me crabby. And angry. And everything else under that umbrella of HATE.
  • First class rail travel? A tiny bit over-rated. And by ‘a tiny bit’, I mean very.
  • Staring at people will make you look like a weirdo, weird man in blue hat.
  • My moisturizer doesn’t enjoy cold weather. As in, makes my face feel like cold play-doh.
  • Trains get crazy bumpy. I predict this is to do with the hefty amount of hamsters which trains invariably use for fuel.
  • I don’t like people who I don’t know. Or who work on trains. Take your pick.

We’re going to Edinburgh today so that I can check whether or not I like the university.

Honestly? I could have done this on street view instead of having to kill all of those damn hamsters for fuel.

This is why I don’t get out, peeps.

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It’s true, I laughed so hard a little pee came out.

Written on February 6th, 2010 and labelled Happiness, Sillypants, Tomfoolery
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So the woman on Twitter who I half-idolize, half am SUPER DUPER envious of, half who is just plain awesome, half who I know dislikes all this crazy fanboy sillyness, twitpic’d this yesterday. Suffice it to say, laughing has never come so easily. And so hard. And left me so dizzy and out of breath.

Intrigued, I decided to make my own.

Oh dear.

Luckily, my worries were more focused upon the tiny amount of pee being released from my loins due to my increasingly hard laughter rather than the fact that computers now think I am a woman.

At least I don’t have to worry about periods?

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Girl Talk Thursday: Pet Peeves

Written on January 21st, 2010 and labelled Girl Talk Thursday, Sillypants
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Yeah, I know I’m not a girl. But to be honest, I know the girlies over at GTT don’t mind me posting, so…

Pet Peeves.

We’ve all got ‘em and we all hate ‘em. So let’s go, jiggalo:

1) PEOPLE THAT DON’T LISTEN.

If you’ve said “I’m listening” or “I want to hear what you have to say” and then don’t give a shit about what I have to say, you’re the C word which I’m not going to write on here. Big time. If I came to you and you’re busy, then it’s fine if you can’t be arsed to listen. But if you specifically just refuse to pay attention to what I’m saying then I see no reason for me to know you. At all. You were born with 2 fucking ears for a reason.


2) Saying TRULY mean things behind another person’s back.

I don’t mind the odd bitch every now and again about certain people who, to some degree, deserve it. To be honest, there are very, very few people who I feel comfortable bitching about behind their back (or, would you believe, to their faces). No doubt this is the reason why I hate it when people say truly mean things about a person without them having any knowledge of it. It’s not kind, it’s not fair and ultimately it will bite you back in your ass.


3) Telling me things when I know you’re wrong.

I don’t mind it if you have a genuine need to tell me something, but when you’re talking out of your ass you’re gonna get caught out sooner or later. Don’t do it.


4) Practical jokes.

There is nothing funny about humiliating or causing [even minor] suffering in their life. Ever. It’s not funny and there’s nothing ‘joking’ about it.


5) EVERYONE MUST BE LIKE ME OTHERWISE THEY ARE BORING/STUPID/ANNOYING.

Look, I get that you might like doing what you do. Hey, you probably wouldn’t be doing it if you didn’t like it. But if you suddenly think that because YOU like it and some OTHER people like it that *I* should like it too, you’re wrong. Wronger than wrong. Don’t assume similarity.


6) Indian Scripted Telemarketers.

“Good morning Mr. Dixon, how are you today?”

“Which Mr. Dixon are you calling for?”

“Thank you. I’m calling to inform you that you are eligible to receive…”

/call disconnected.

Seriously, I don’t understand the point of telemarketing. I’m not going to ever buy into your scam or your double glazing. And when you refuse to ask for which Mr. Dixon you want, you aren’t going to get anywhere.

As a side thingy, did you know I want to change my last name to Monroe?

7) Hard-Selling Charities

The other day I was called by WaterAid. And then a few days ago, by Amnesty International.

Except during those calls I found out that the people talking to me were both from companies that specialized in cold calling.

Seriously, SUPPOSEDLY ETHICAL CHARITIES, if you think you’re going to get more money out of me by hiring people to pressure sell me over the phone, you’ve got another fucking thing coming. Go and die.


8) LOW HYGIENE STANDARDS

If you use something and don’t wash it or assume that wiping a towel across it makes it clean, you are stupid and need to take a food hygiene course.


9) Double standards.

I get it if your double standard is because you have kids and you can’t have them, you know, wearing make up ‘n’ shit. But if someone tells me I can’t X but they can when it’s the SAME DAMN THING? Bye bye outa my life, puta.


10) STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS OFF.

My dad has this totally *awesome* habit of turning all the lights off in the house when he goes to bed. And, naturally, forgets that I’m still up. This means that I have to feel my way around rooms to get to a light source — usually resulting in repeated stubbed toes, knocking things over and anything else of a disorientated manner.


11) “Wait, you’re a vegan! You can’t eat anything!”

Hi. My name is Matt. It is 2010. If you can think of it, there’s a vegan version. Now go away.

Addition:

12) Steve G. Jones

SOMEHOW this guy got my contact details. And, like, for serious: Steve G. Jones, I get that your name is Steve G. Jones and you’re a clinical hypnotherapist, but the fact that you’ve rolled ‘clinical hypnotherapist’ into soundlike your last name makes me cringe. Also, stop emailing me telling me that you’ve got hypnosis downloads that can make me win the lottery. I’m not the fool you think I am.

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To be honest, I could go on and on and on and on because there are SO MANY DAMN THINGS which make me grumpy.

However, for now, I shall leave you with the above.

If I catch you doing any of them (including Steve G. Jones Clinical Hypnotherapist), I shall take a dump on your thighs.

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Oh, you do these? You might want to get a few shots then.

Written on December 12th, 2009 and labelled Sillypants, Tomfoolery
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Can I tell you something really weird?  I’ve suddenly become extremely euphoric.  I think it’s the combination of little food, bleary headache pain (from oversleep) and kind people.  Whatever it is, yo peeps, I’m lovin’ it.

Also, like fook did I know how to spell ‘myxomatosis’ without spellcheck. Also, heed the final warning, or else.

–

Being a part of the Fellowship of The Twitter means that I get to see lots of awesome stuff.

And lots of UNawesome shit stuff.

And because the mood of this blog needs cheering up so, so badly, I thought I would provide a little bit of joy in the spirit of Santa.

Enjoy!

Twitter told me so…

Twitter is not an instant messenger.

Yeah. I’ve done it too. It’s damn too easy to suddenly become sucked into conversation where every single tweet becomes an @reply. But you know what? It’s totally not on, dudes. I love being able to eavesdrop on your conversation, but I really don’t love having my twitter stream filled with, “Yeah, lol” and other splurges.

Sure, feel free to have a quick natter. But if you have more than 360 characters to say?  Take it onto Email.  Or MSN. Or Skype. Or Google Chat. Or whatever.  Because honestly, if I can’t see the avatar pictures of hot husbands? I will lose my shit.

Twitter doesn’t like it when you use NO FUCKING PUNCTUATION OHMYGOD.

Look. I know, I know that you might cream over quickly writing down something you’ve just said onto twitter. But without punctuation, your tweet just looks like you took a big fat dump onto the internet. And what happens to dumps? They get eaten by rabbits. Ergo, if you don’t use punctuation, I’ll infect you with myxomatosis.

But seriously? With only 140 characters, it’s hard enough to actually put something vaguely interesting or funny into cyberspace. Nevermind punctuation. So the moment you strip those all-essential commas and full stops out, I stop gettin’ yo’ point, homie. Please don’t do it. See the above paragraph for consequences if you do.

Twitter doesn’t believe in your change of person.

I love that you’re letting me see into your life a tiny bit. Really, I do. But if your tweet goes something like:

<username> has myxomatosis because I used no punctuation yet he decided to do it anyway

I WILL come over to your house, find your ovaries, and punch them with my head. Again and again and again. Until your babies look like rabbits. And there’s a VERY good reason why I’ll do this. You don’t — DON’T — change the person of your verb midway through a sentence. It makes MY ovaries want to shrivel up and drop out. And by ovaries, I mean my little-Matt-snake-makers. And by shrivel up and drop out, I mean block you because your English sucks so badly.

Don’t get me wrong. If English isn’t your first language, you’re completely excused. But if you’ve been a native speaker for, oh, over 10 years? Prepare to pump-out rabbit babies.  And if you don’t know what the person of a verb is?  Sucks to be you.

Oh, also? Twitter doesn’t like it when you block me ‘cuz I’m a grammar-nazi. So you better not do it. Or else. (Where else = myxomatosis).

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