The Kingdom of Matt

Worth.

Written on March 7th, 2010 and labelled Emotions

This post is all angsty and broken up and will probably make no sense. But sometimes you just gotta say something, you know? Sometimes you’ve just got to get it out. So here I am. Letting it out. Even though I feel like epic overshare right now.

I am sat in front of a computer crying, looking at the wikipedia page for Cambridge University.

Looking at the pictures. People throwing their exam results in the air.

I cannot have that.

I’m searching for song after song to try and soothe my wounds, but I just can’t find anything. Nothing fits. Nothing says everything’s going to be okay.

“Nothing doesn’t exist”, says Stephen Fry.

A Cambridge graduate.

I read books as a child illustrated by Quentin Blake. Learned Philosophy from books written by Bertrand Russell. Studied An Inspector Calls by J. B. Priestley for my GCSE’s.

These people. People who I admired and who played parts in my life.

From Cambridge university.

A world that I am unlikely to experience in my entire life.

And I hate it.

I do not consider myself a stupid person. In fact, I would hedge to say I’m fairly intelligent. The operant word in that sentence being hedge.

I feel stupid for writing this, too. For all I know you, reader, might not have been to University (or “College” if you’re American). You might have left school with the bare minimum you could because your life couldn’t allow you to go any further.

But when you have the ability. When you waste it. When you fritter it away on meaningless angst that washes away into nothingness weeks later. On plans which are abandoned.

On stupid hopes.

I opened my first ever fortune cookie the other day, and do you know what it read?

“Your exotic ideas lead you to many exciting, new adventures!”

Heh.

But here I am again. ‘Wasting’ my time on something which brings me no closer to any real goal. No purpose. No true function. Purely phatic.

But yet time and time again I find myself up at 11PM, wasting time instead of doing Spanish homework or completing coursework or doing my shoulds, woulds and coulds.

Instead I blog. And play on twitter. And watch illegal HD films.

I watch Autotune the News on YouTube and memorize the words to Star Wars Explained By A 3-Year-Old.

I remember reading about extrinsic and intrinsic factors of motivation. Intrinsic is typically more powerful than extrinsic, though typically a little more rare to have in modern society.

“Research has found that it [intrinsic motivation] is usually associated with high educational achievement,” says Wikipedia.

I’m finding it hard to come to a conclusion with this one. It’s ongoing. A lack of discernable sense of self within it all. It’s like I’m watching the sky, fixated on a cloud passing across the open sky, not noticing the room behind me is on fire.

Erik Erikson said that this stage of my life was all about finding my identity.

At least he didn’t go to Cambridge.

Tags: angst, here comes the suicidal thinking again, identity, self-worth or lack thereof, worth

Girl Talk Thursday: Bitchin’!

Written on February 25th, 2010 and labelled Girl Talk Thursday, Lists

3 Comments - Thoughts?

This week Girl Talk Thursday is all about bitching and letting off steam. Yes, I’m a guy. Yes, I’m allowed. I saved the tweet that the creator @replied me when I asked her. Possibly.

No beating around the bush in this post:

1.Seriously, Spanish teachers, I GET that you have to teach me a subject, but the fact that I haven’t given in homework to you for the past month is because: A) I’ve had EPIC amounts of coursework to do. As in, you know, that stuff that gets sent a couple of weeks after I give it in and then adds to my OVERALL grade. B) I’m sure languages are great, but I’m getting SICK and TIRED of trying only to get things wrong, to get splotches of support I could find on the internets when we have FOUR people in the class and to receive seemingly-cursory grades without you spending time to tell me where I fucked up without making me feel like dog shit. And, as a result, STOP SENDING MY TUTOR SANCTIONS BECAUSE I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT WORK TO DO.

2. Board of governers at my school? I do not care to be on your board. I did not choose to be on your board. Your meetings are long, seemingly endless and make me want to bore my brains out with a bratz doll. I understand that you have to leave all rocks turned with your administrative duties, but ultimately I AM NOT INTERESTED IN THIS. I do NOT want to do presentations on vertical tutoring or the college system at school. It sucks. That’s it.

3. Fuck you, work.

4. I am seriously starting to hate getting up before, you know, 10AM. I’m a real night person and honestly? I much, MUCH prefer to tap my fingers until 2:30am than I enjoy getting up at 7:30am and then rushing around to suck the fat into clothes so that I can impress people with flab-sucked-in awesomeness.

5. No, hija de puta, I have NOT burned something onto your pan that you could replace for £12. This is 2010, not 1935. Even if I DID burn something onto the pan, it’s not going to UBER STICK FOREVER or DESTROY THE PAN FOREVER AND EVER. Stop being a douche about the fact that your youngest son can cook. Or would you prefer I smoke tobacco, pot and drink gushes of alocohol whilst going to the doctor about an STI? You know, like most guys my age? Oh wait. No. You wouldn’t. So STFU or I’ll push you down the stairs ~~again~~.

6. And also, puta madre, no, I’m NOT going to eat it all tonight. If you make it in a big batch it saves time and money. But you’d know that already, right?

7. Yes, back of my mind, I get that you want me to engage in some hot, passionate and steamy sex with some hot, passionate and steamy guy. When you find someone that goes for hot, passionate guy-on-guy sex, call me and I’ll actually HAVE hot, passionate and steamy sex. Otherwise, keep your crazy man-urges to the edges of my awareness or I’ll chop it off and then you’ll be sorry.

8. Yes, Last.fm, I know that there are only about 30 songs you can POSSIBLY play to me, regardless of the amount of artists I favourite. However, could you at least try and switch them up a bit? Just because I like them doesn’t mean I want to listen to the same 5 again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

9. How in ninjas has no one seen Kittens inspired by Kittens, Star Wars explained by a 3-year-old or Auto-Tune the News? That’s like saying you’ve never heard of porn.

10. I’d like to lose weight. Like, NOW. ARGH. I’m not overweight or anything, but I’m slowly noticing encroaching weight gain and it’s NOT cool. Not at ALL. And yes, I will buddy up with you to lose weight. Seriously.

The sad thing is that I’ve not yet even started properly. But I can’t stop. I have Spanish homework. For tomorrow.

Wikipedia game, anyone?

Tags: bitching, Girl Talk Thursday, listing, procrastination, rants

If I were a pirate niched into the catering industry THIS would be my wet dream.

Written on February 24th, 2010 and labelled My life as a Pirate

2 Comments - Thoughts?

Because, for reals peeps, I only just realized the amount of STUFF in all the epic storage drawers.

And just to show you how crazy drugged-up this household is…

And, for your viewing pleasure and as a bonus to getting this far on my kitchen adventure, let me show you the 3 switches I found which, insofar, I have NO IDEA what they do. And honestly? They look important in a “sex us up with some special flippage of our switches and we might just tell you our recipe for switch casserole.”

(Ignore those splotches. They’re just splatters of food juice which we’re still invisibly power-struggling to decide who is the one to do the cleaning up of them).

See? If I were a pirate and I had niched myself into the land-plundering-then-catering-with-the-loot industry, this would be my wet dream.

Tags: being inappropriate, My life as a Pirate, they're called 'nocturnal emissions' apparently

Several things this morning has proven.

Written on February 18th, 2010 and labelled Sillypants, University Stuff, What a crap day.

2 Comments - Thoughts?

Getting up before 9.45AM makes me crabby. And angry. And everything else under that umbrella of HATE.
First class rail travel? A tiny bit over-rated. And by ‘a tiny bit’, I mean very.
Staring at people will make you look like a weirdo, weird man in blue hat.
My moisturizer doesn’t enjoy cold weather. As in, makes my face feel like cold play-doh.
Trains get crazy bumpy. I predict this is to do with the hefty amount of hamsters which trains invariably use for fuel.
I don’t like people who I don’t know. Or who work on trains. Take your pick.

We’re going to Edinburgh today so that I can check whether or not I like the university.

Honestly? I could have done this on street view instead of having to kill all of those damn hamsters for fuel.

This is why I don’t get out, peeps.

Tags: my feet hurt, pretending to be a real person, this is why I dislike public trainsport, what happened to the hamsters?

THIS is progression.

Written on February 14th, 2010 and labelled Fun, Lists

2 Comments - Thoughts?

Us bloggers need to do more for our readers. Specifically, showcase more stuff than just our writing. Pictures say a thousand words, or so they say, so here are a few of mine (through the ages!)

For your viewing pleasure: Matt, Through The Ages

2002

Look at the rolls!

a little fat matt
On this day: I lose my keycard for the room my brother (on the left) and I have in the sea and don’t tell anyone until 3 hours later.

2005

In Canada. On a beach. Looking gangly.

look at my ganglyness!
On this day: We, my family and 2 of my parents’ Canadian friends, walk to a shorefront restaurant; it was windy and much warmer than it looks.

2006

Me! Without a top! About 400 yards away from where Maddie McCann was kidnapped!

looking like a newb. with my junk showing a tiny, tiny bit
On this day: I spied an elderly man picking fruit from his beautiful garden, across the street from the hotel.

2007

The sun was SO bright that day, let me tell you. Also, notice the weight loss (esp. the legs). And yes, we are at Niagara.

looking angry and being glared by the sun SO MUCH
(Me -> Madre -> Grandma -> Grandad)
On this day: My madre, Auntie Len and I go on the “Maid of the Mist” tour, taking us up to as close as possible to the bottom of Niagara falls.

2008

Auntie Len and I find respite in a Mallorcan town square. Don’t I look European?

look, it's Auntie Len!
On this day: I fumble some TERRIBLE Spanish out to a Mallorcan waiter, only realizing later how poor my Spanish-speaking was.

2009

I go crazy and take 300 pictures of myself; this one is the best of the bunch.

This is why people don't let me touch their cameras.
On this day: I reflect on the beautiful weather and wonder to myself, “Who am I?”

2010

Today, on this grey and somewhat morbid valentine’s afternoon.

matt dixon
On this day: I wake up feeling like it’s a Monday and feel guilty for it. My left eye hurts from the inside of the eyelid.

Tags: dude -- I was FAT, nostalgia, pictures through time, walking through time

It’s true, I laughed so hard a little pee came out.

Written on February 6th, 2010 and labelled Happiness, Sillypants, Tomfoolery

5 Comments - Thoughts?

So the woman on Twitter who I half-idolize, half am SUPER DUPER envious of, half who is just plain awesome, half who I know dislikes all this crazy fanboy sillyness, twitpic’d this yesterday. Suffice it to say, laughing has never come so easily. And so hard. And left me so dizzy and out of breath.

Intrigued, I decided to make my own.

Oh dear.

Luckily, my worries were more focused upon the tiny amount of pee being released from my loins due to my increasingly hard laughter rather than the fact that computers now think I am a woman.

At least I don’t have to worry about periods?

Tags: death by laughter, laughing the night away, mommymelee

Guest Post: Facebook Friends

Written on February 4th, 2010 and labelled Guests

3 Comments - Thoughts?

E. from OurLifeUpstate.com needed a place to vent without having to worry about who would read it on her blog. If you’d like to comment on this post, please do so on this page instead of on her website. I’ll make sure to pass on every comment you make. Thanks, Matt.

Have you ever noticed that when you are in higschool your best friend is usually the opposite sex? And sometimes you want to date that person but most of the time it has nothing to do with that. You just tend to have an easier time talking to someone of the opposite sex. It just sort of is. Your mother does not get it. She cannot figure out why you spend so much time hanging out with the person and yet you will not date them. But it doesn’t really matter.

And then all of a sudden life starts to come at you. You grow, you change, you get married. Life goes on. But now that friend that you had in highschool you have not spoken to in years. Your not really sure how you lost contact with them. They did one thing, you did another, you spoke for awhile and then BAM!! Its been ten years since you have heard from them.

We live in a modern world. An internet world. A world where people are not that difficult to track down. You don’t have to call their mother, or wait for a highschool reunion No!! You’ve got facebook. And viola!! There they are. So, you click the add as friend button. Your friend confirms and you talk again. You joke in an easy way. There is very little of “what have you been up to?” talk – just enough to fill each other in. Otherwise you talk about everyday things – the same as you did then. You joke freely and openly. The banter flows, there is a little harmless flirtation. Your spouse knows – they do not feel threatened.

This goes on for awhile. This back and forth. You realize that it has been years since someone (aside from your spouse) has really “gotten you” like this friend does. You find yourself looking forward to telling this long lost friend about the crazy person at the grocery store or the funny ad you saw. You wonder about this new/old friendship. Is it starting to cross a line? Would you even ask yourself this question if the person were of the same sex as you? Probably not, but none the less they are. You try not to think about it. And then one day the jokes go too far. This friend offers something altogether inappropriate.

They offer an affair. You think they are joking, but you are not 100% sure. You really hope that they are. You do not really want to bring it up and ask because well, what if they are not joking. Your spouse has no opinion. They trust you so it does not matter. Whatever you do is fine. Continue the friendship, don’t continue the friendship it makes no difference to them. You try to talk to your other friends. They tell you not to talk to this person. That this person is no good – but really what do they know. They do not understand you – how could they possibly understand your friend?

But, of course, in the end you know that joking or not it is all too much. You have to at least scale back. Maybe you can assume they are joking and keep in contact with them. You figure remaining “facebook friends” will do no harm. But you know you cannot continue this talking everyday or so friendship. It is a bad idea. And all of a sudden you realize how much you hate sexual tension.

Tags: Guest Posting